Varying Definitions of Fun: Parker's 2025 Junesploitation

I did it! I did Junesploitation again! And boy do I have stories to tell...

Cutting the formalities of last year (when I had to fit into a word limit and consider audience), here's the original challenge link if you don't know what this is. And here's my article from last year.

This year, I started early (literally the day the calendar dropped) and ended a full week into July. To make up for this, 90% of my picks were great, it was just difficult finding time to watch them.

This article was written over the course of the challenge, and while I have write ups of everything I watched, only the best passages actually made it into this article. 

Honorable mentions: Petey Wheatstraw, Through the Looking Glass, Fleshpot on 42nd Street, All the Colors of the Dark, Dawn of the Dead, Amazon Women on the Moon, There's Nothing Out There!, Rock and Rule, Runaway Train, Abruptio

David Carradine: Q (1982)

A normal persons expects trash from this. Just expect cops doing cop things, a seedy urban environment, and a regular citizen to upend the system. Right?

Please. You’re watching this for the claymation reptilian thing living in the city. All that stuff in the previous bit is in there, though, and it’s done pretty well. Enough to solicit a social commentary on the little guy suddenly gaining a massive amount of power and navigating a corrupt system. Unfortunately Michael Moriarty’s character is so damn unlikable it’s hard to go with it. 

Mercifully, David Carradine is good as the straight face investigator and all the bits involving the creature are exactly what you expect. In fact, Larry Cohen only gradually shows the creature throughout the film, partially because of budget, but mostly because it’s scary to think of a large bird lizard randomly biting off heads. Maybe this technique clashes with the fact that the entire film takes place in broad daylight, but it’s effective nonetheless. 

Heists: How to Steal a Million (1966)

Guys, I love Audrey Hepburn. I even found a Breakfast at Tiffany’s poster at an anime con! Seeing this heist category allowed for a perfect opportunity one of her few post-Classic Hollywood films.

The script could be tightened up - the build up to the actual heist takes a while, and some of the timing and pacing is strange. It also isn’t nearly as suspenseful as some of her other films from this era (specifically Charade and Wait Until Dark), which could be excused as this isn’t a “thriller” (shouldn’t I be nervous during the heist?). That aside, How to Steal a Million is still a fantastic little movie, with loads of beautiful shots, decadent sets, and an amazing cast. Peter O’Toole is charming yet conniving conman, and Hugh Griffith as Hepburn’s father/forgery master is a joy to watch. All of these characters have such classy interactions (the kind which are synonymous with “old Hollywood”), and underneath that you can forget they are all committing or complicit in several crimes. You find yourself thinking about the moral rights and wrongs of everything taking place, inevitably coming to the conclusion that maybe this film isn’t quite as shiny as it may seem. 

Jess Franco: Eugenie (1970)

Not my favorite Franco, and not even my favorite De Sade adaptation of his (despite my lack of actually reading his works). That being said, I still enjoyed Eugenie, and would consider it quintessential to getting into his filmography. Full of non-conventional sexual desires, soft focus lens, and beautiful long shots of a gorgeous island location, it’s a beautiful film that certainly makes you think about your own preferences. 

        How did he keep his actors so fashionable? Is that why Christopher Lee signed on - so he could be well dressed during inexcusably taboo scenes he is present for? Or was it because he was friends with Franco? Regardless, his presence is welcome here amongst a sea of undeniably depraved characters.

Christ, Jess Franco might be the reason I start reading De Sade. I have a feeling I’m not the first person to say that.

‘90s Action: Fortress (1992)

I’m surprised Stuart Gordon never quite got the break he deserved, despite putting out a consistent filmography in his directorial career. There are multiple instances he took an alright script and made it entertaining; this may be the strongest example, as it lacks the involvement of Dennis Paoli and Brian Yuzna.

        If Omni Consumer Products succeeded in their plan to create the most efficient cop ever, this is where their caught criminals would go. Coincidentally, Kurtwood Smith stars in this as the prison warden. Like RoboCop, this also preaches the dangers of technology taking over our society, and watching either nowadays is frightening, so much so that you forget the low budget. Christopher Lambert is the everyday man here, jailed simply for reproducing and exasperated by the state society is in. Alongside a healthy supporting cast (including Jeffrey Combs and Tom Towles!), Lambert manages to shine among them as he learns his ways around a metaphorical hell - and how he can escape. Throw in some mind control commentary (again, watching this during the rise of AI is horrifying) and body horror, and you have one hell of a movie.

Revenge: The Cook, the Thief, his Wife, & Her Lover (1989)

Not often a film gives you an adrenaline rush from being so damn good. Please, release a 4k of this. Someone.

        A famously depraved film, you cannot deny that Peter Greenaway is operating simultaneously on God mode and Freak mode. Beyond the fact that it's a beautiful film in every visual category imaginable, I find the unlikable characters' dynamics so wonderful; they are repugnant in so many senses, yet they collide in the most cathartic way. 

        I think many people my age may see the title, hear the plot, and go into this thinking there will be an obvious black and white revolution situation, an "eat the rich" narrative if you will. While that may be true in some capacity, there is so much more to read into. I’ve seen this combined with religion, politics, and consumerism. Why not all at once? It works so well with each of those categories (never mind their undeniable overlap), to a point where it is hard not to view this as a decadent orgy of all three, culminating in the most satisfying ending I’ve ever seen.

Free Space: Righting Wrongs (1986)

Hong Kong continues to dominate the “tonal whiplash” department. I feel like most of the time if a film is entertaining enough, I really don’t care if it has a particular mood, just how it handles its subject matter. And on that front, Righting Wrongs delivers. Here, corruption runs rampant both in the police force and in the courts. Prosecutor Yuen Biao and cop Cynthia Rothrock are sick and tired of it, but have different definitions of “corruption”. Enter conflict.

The choice to have two morally ambiguous leads who want to do the right thing, but continually butt heads when they come across each other could be potentially fatal. And while I don’t understand every aspect of the plot, I do think this adds a bit more complexity to the story, allowing it to stand up to heavyweights like Police Story and Hard Boiled. Plus, the action is top notch, which helps its case even more.

Exploitation Auteurs: The Devil In Miss Jones (1973)

        Guys, what the hell does this category mean? My mind went to the literal definition of exploitation, leading to Deep Throat and the mistreatment of Linda Lovelace. Then I remembered “oh, Gerard Damiano did other stuff” and came to Miss Jones. Do I need help?

I was very shocked to like this; it’s graphic, but delves deeply into sexual desire in a frank and oddly spiritual way. Using the circles of hell and the seven deadly sins is by no means an original way to explore religion and repression, but it’s odd to see it so well incorporated into a hardcore film. Plus it isn’t related to trauma, just a woman who lived a decidedly puritan (albeit unhappy) lifestyle up until her suicide. I think the choice to start with the ending is bizarre, and some of the cuts to hardcore shots are jarring, but it’s a perfect mix of being masturbation fuel and watchable for an actual plot. Also, shockingly dreamy; running at a tight 66 minutes, there is no explanation for why Miss Jones ends up where with whom but it doesn’t really affect the film that much, nor does it infuriate the viewer. If anything it adds to the surrealistic concept of a woman brought back to life solely to experience lust, floating around to various partners and scenarios to explore herself. 

        Hopefully this gets a good release soon. I really think this deserves it, even if Damiano's name will forever be connected to Deep Throat.

Hong Kong Action: Miracles: The Canton Godfather (1989)

Probably should have stayed with Who Am I? for this category. I was prepared for a lack of action, but dammit this thing begins to drag no matter how nice it looks or how enjoyable Chan and his surrounding cast are. 

        Despite the length, there is always something engaging to look at, satiating any potential boredom that many cite watching this. Setting this in the 1930s and adapting something decidedly uplifting is just so warming to me. Chan has always been a police officer in my mind thanks to Police Story, Crime Story, The Protector, and more, so it was nice to see him on the other side of the law. Even with the opportunity to play against type, he remains a good hearted figure, wanting peace and only beating ass when provoked. It may be less action oriented, but that didn’t stop me from feeling happy at the end. 

Eurosploitation: Mondo Cane 2 (1963)

Someone let me do a research paper on shock media. Please. I beg you. This was too fascinating to not feel inspired by. I'm sure that says a great deal about me.

        Despite my view of Mondo films and their derivatives being the purest form of exploitation, I nearly slept through the original Mondo Cane. I expected a similar experience here; fortunately I was proven wrong. This film does not feature the coherence of the original, and I believe that is to the film’s benefit. The contents of Mondo Cane 2 are much more bizarre, with the strangest parts of the film coming from the segments taking place in the Western world. Sparing us some cultural evisceration of third world countries from other Jacopetti and Prosperi projects, Mondo Cane 2 more often than not looks at the odd facets our own hemisphere holds, allowing ourselves to ask what we truly value, and what we should be praising. Combine that with the oftentimes random content, and you have a better viewing experience, one in which you don’t feel quite as guilty for sitting through the graphic content when it does appear. Whether the scenes are real or fake, the effect is the same. I don't condone everything this film features (these things cannot keep opening with dogs...), however I can solidly say I prefer this to the original, and that this may be the best Mondo I've seen so far.

Free Space: Deadly Weapons (1974)

Lotta boob, both in size and quantity. My other experience with Doris Wishman was heightened by the presence of a friend, but I’m taking Double Agent 72 over this purely due to efficiency. Do I like Deadly Weapons? Yeah… but it fucks around too much. We spend a LOT of time hanging out not only with Chesty Morgan, but with Harry Reems and the goons he’s with. I wouldn’t mind this if it was interesting, but it isn’t (shocking considering we have the choice between a large busted woman seeking revenge and a mini gang of men who do no good). I don’t even care that the main draw of the film happens within the last 15 minutes, just make the first 60 interesting.

Wishman really knew how to direct, and I love the crappy quality of the dialogue combined with a dub. This just needs more happening and better pacing. As is, this should be no more than 30 minutes, and I don’t want to watch it for that short of time. If we got a tour of the kitschy 70’s sets and costumes that would be fine! Just do something, I beg you.

‘80s Action: Never Too Young To Die (1987)

Ending this article on something stupid. We got pre-Full House John Stamos, Gene Simmons in drag, a surprisingly high budget, and fake 007 shenanigans. Did you expect something high brow from a film with such a generic title?

It’s not a “perfect” B-movie like Hard Ticket To Hawaii is, but it has its charm. While a bit long and aiming way over its head (it apparently was intended to spawn a “Son of 007” type franchise), Never Too Young To Die never feels like it knows better than the audience. It knows it’s a standard action flick with some celebrity names attached, and while I can’t say it necessarily embraces this status, it’s still a fun watch. Plus, Gene Simmons apparently hates this thing, which is hilarious given he’s pretty fun to watch here. He’d make a good Frank-n-Furter if he wasn’t involved in that band.

Parker S.